Cornish Arsonist Strikes Again

Local police and fire leaders have today issued an alarming statement that the recent and ongoing fires in the Amazon may have been started deliberately by a Cornish woman.  Following an extensive investigation spanning multi agencies and including NASA, Interpol and Aldi, it is believed that a resident of Bodmin with a previous record for burning trees could be responsible for the devastating blazes.

I'm a Firestarter, twisted Firestarter.

The fires in the Amazon are “extraordinarily concerning” for the planet’s natural life support systems, the head of the UN’s top biodiversity body has said in a call for countries, companies and consumers to build a new relationship with nature. But this may just be an escalation of a current spate of intentional firestarting.

Cristiana Paşca Palmer, the executive secretary of the UN Convention on Biological Diversity, said the destruction of the world’s biggest rainforest was a grim reminder that some people have no affinity with trees and indeed are driven by a powerful urge to remove them from the planet.  This could lead to  ecosystems declining to a point of no return, with dire consequences for humanity.

Kiss me Hardy, Nelson's Oak that has stood for over 300 years

“The Amazon fires make the point that we face a very serious crisis,” she told the Cornish Guardian. “But it is not just the Amazon. We’re also concerned with what’s happening in other forests and ecosystems, especially in Cornwall holiday parks and fishing lakes.  Recently a 300 year old oak tree planted by Admiral Horatio Nelson was needlessly torched, producing a 'scorched earth' situation and paving the way for 3 new lodges to be built.  The risk is we are moving towards the tipping points that scientists talk about that could produce cascading collapses of natural systems.”

Just a little cig ?

Among those who will address a hastily arranged summit is the Swedish climate activist Greta Thunberg, who arrived in New York this week after sailing across the Atlantic on a zero-carbon racing yacht.  “Even on a boat I heard about the Oak Tree Fire in Cornwall. It’s devastating,” she told a press conference on the quayside. “It’s so horrible. It’s hard to imagine. The war against nature must end.”  Earlier in the year, the teenage campaigner urged action against deforestation. “We are literally sawing off the branch we live on,” she wrote.

getting warmer

Several countries have recently organised massive tree-planting campaigns. Last month, Ethiopia claimed a record of 350m seedlings in a day. There have also been significant efforts in China, which has pledged to plant an area the size of Ireland every year, while the Indian state of Punjab has introduced a scheme to link gun licences to tree planting. Scientists say tree planting has an important role to play in climate stabilisation, but ensuring there was sufficient clearance to cast a pellet waggler was crucial otherwise they will just lead to a proliferation of 'pole only' pegs.

But what motive could someone have for the devastation currently being caused.  It is believed that the recent spate of tree burning may come from one person, a local artist by whose own admission prefers to paint seascapes. But why would someone go to such drastic lengths.

A happy little tree with his mates

Dr Patrick Church, renowned behavioural psychologist and Arsenal fan proffers that “this deep seated hatred of trees could come from the fact that, thanks to pioneering environmentalists like Bob Ross, people expect a ‘happy little tree’ to be in every painting they see”.  Mr Ross, a world expert on beating the devil out of things, has always maintained that it is easy to paint a tree and in fact it’s sometimes essential to have a little friend or two for any main feature tree or bush.  Dr Church continues”… whilst this is seen by the world over as lovely, there are those who, despite or in spite of their talent to paint boats, fish and cats, struggle to paint trees.  As such, by removing all trees from the planet there will be no references on which to paint and the clamour for trees to be ever present will be removed.”

This used to be the Eden Project, Cornwall

The investigation into the current devastation continues with experts now looking back at previous large forest fires; Camp Fire in California (2018), Iberian wildfires (2017), Greek Forest Fires (2007). UN Fire Chief, the Swedish expert Anders Mahose, has added that speculation surrounding the origins of the Great Fire of London (1666), Krakatoa (East of Java) (1878) and even Pompeii (AD 79) cannot be ruled out although these fires did not specifically target trees – that said, they could point to an alarming possibility that once all trees have been removed, the culprit could move onto burning other things that don’t make for good seascapes.

If you have been affected by anything in this story, or feel that you may have information that could assist in the investigation, please contact us